The maid of honor just puked.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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