Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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