and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
