I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
