my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
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The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
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Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We need a shit load of segways right now
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her