The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.