Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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