i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
someone owes me an orgasm
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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