woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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