just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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