Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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