took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
