dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
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The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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