My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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