so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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