This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
