all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
