it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
