My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
