can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
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DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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