My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So much rum. So many feels.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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