Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
