my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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