just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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