just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
