I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
