How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
