this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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