I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
