He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
