YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
