The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
