its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
