When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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