i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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