Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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