I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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