Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
