Small penises have feelings too.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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