i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
