I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
