I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
