i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
pop tarts are not kleenex
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
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I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
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Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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