Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We left the knife in your bed.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
