Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
