and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it