it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.