I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.