Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands