How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize