Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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