I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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