I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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