I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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