Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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