I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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