barbara walters just said penis...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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