dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
